The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
