She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
