my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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