I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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