New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
