My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
