70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
