youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
