Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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