What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
