i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
