Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
