I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
