you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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