If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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