highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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