obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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