I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
