My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize