she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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