I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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