Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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