guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Is it because I queefed?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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