I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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