i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
