Pants 0. Shit 1.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
