There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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