Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
