im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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