Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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