I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
