Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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