New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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