i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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