Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
