Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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