he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize