My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
