I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I had to cum in my sink.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
