She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
