and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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