Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
