i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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