i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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