I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
