Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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