You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
