he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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