I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
