Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
