watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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