Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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