So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Randomize
