I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize