I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
