If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
