I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
