He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
