i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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