it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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