Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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